Rated: PO (Parents Only)

...OK so this is what happens when quiet actually settles in the house and I am home alone.
I find random shit on the internet to laugh about..by myself.
Only lucky for you all... I am sharing... prepare to pee your pants!

The website I was on is http://www.scarymommy.com/ and you HAVE TO CHECK IT OUT!


Talk about funny... hahahahaha... I'm still laughing... I'm gonna be on here all night...and good thing cause by 6:30am I'll be back to parenting...LOL

Enjoy...

Wake the Fuck Up

Of course you have heard of the book, Go the Fuck to Sleep. I would like to suggest a follow up, inspired by my husband…
The dishes are washed, everything tidy in its place
The leftovers boxed up, my dear, and the counters wiped away
I’ve asked you six times, don’t make me say it again
Please, for the love of God
Just empty the fucking trash can.
———————————
You work hard and need your rest
I do know that and care
But you slept all night and napped three times
You’ve more than gotten your share
It’s time to awake and get on with the day
Wake the fuck up already, you hear me OK?
———————————
You’ve been flipping for an hour
But have yet to pick a show
Could you be more annoying?
The answer is no.
Surrender the remote, I’ll ask one last time
or I’m kicking you out, on your fucking behind.
———————————
The day is getting dim
Soon it will be night
I can’t see a thing, my love
You have to know I’m right
I’m not as tall as you so I need your larger height
Would it kill you to change that fucking hall light?
———————————
I know you feel sick but I do as well
My nose is stuffy too
and my throat sore as hell
Please stop complaining
It’s just a little cold
So shut up and cope
You’re not that fucking old
———————————
I love you so much
I value what you say
But now I’m trying to sleep
And you’re keeping me awake
For the last time, my sweet,
I just don’t give a crap.
Enough already, really
Just shut your fucking pie trap.
———————————
I’m laying in bed, desperately needing my rest
You’ve been sleeping for hours
Happily passed out on your chest,
How are you so loud, I really don’t know
But if you don’t fucking stop snoring,
You’re gonna have to go.
———————————
Is this too much to ask,
from the man I adore?
I really don’t get why I’m so easy to ignore.
Start listening to me, that’s all there is to it.
Oh, and the dog needs a walk
Just fucking do it.

(...another excerpt...)

Cards For New Moms

Tagged as: see mom and dad -- I am using that graphic design degree!
I spent a half hour in the Hallmark store the other day looking for the perfect card to send to a new mommy friend. Much to my dismay, I couldn’t exactly what I was looking for.
In case you’ve ever encountered the same problem, I made a few to share…

Might as well let new moms know what they’re in store for, right?

Well, I certainly think so.

(...another excerpt...)

Motherhood is…

I read this confession before falling asleep last night:
“I really, truly, honestly wish someone–ANYONE–would have told me what it was really like having kids. Before I had them.”
Well. it may be too late for that person, but for all you yet- to-be-mothers out there who really want to know what it’s like, I’m going to do my very best to describe motherhood for you.
Here goes.

Motherhood is middle of the night wake up calls for a glass of water or a fan or a light or a blanket or a bear or a kiss or a band-aid.
Motherhood is making lunch after lunch after lunch after lunch only to find the healthy contents stuffed behind a car-seat.
Motherhood is all of your spending money.
Motherhood is not remembering what it’s like to get a full night’s sleep.
Motherhood is siblings bickering over who can look out of which window and who started it and who you love the most even though you love all of them the same but at the moment you don’t like any of them in the least.
Motherhood is wiping more poop than you ever thought you’d see in your life.
Motherhood is a car so filthy that you are embarrassed to let your own husband see it.
Motherhood is hearing the word “why” at least a hundred times a day and most of the time, not having an answer.
Motherhood is knowing, just from the touch of a forehead, almost exactly what your child’s temperature is.
Motherhood is stretch marks dominating your belly and feet a full size larger than before and sad, deflated boobs.
Motherhood is finally appreciating your own mother.
Motherhood is fantasizing over reaching the bottom of the laundry pile, knowing full well that it’s never going to happen.
Motherhood is singing all the words to your kids favorite songs even though they annoy the hell out of you.
Motherhood is never feeling at peace unless all of your children are with you, under your own roof.
Motherhood is always feeling mildly sick but never being able to wallow in your own misery.
Motherhood is never peeing or showering in peace.
Motherhood is using your sleeves to wipe runny noses and your spit to clean dirty faces.
Motherhood is being able to identify just who is coming down the stairs based solely on the thudding of their feet above you.
Motherhood is not even wanting to say “I told you so” even though you did, countless times.
Motherhood is when, just as you want to curl up into a ball of pure exhaustion and desperation, one of your children suddenly farts or burps or does something spontaneously funny. It’s the moment when you dissolve into a hysterical fit of laughter; the kind that you haven’t had since you and your seventh grade BFF were caught passing notes about which boy in your class you’d most want to be stuck in a closet with. It’s the moment you pause and look at your children, all piled on your bed, breathless and rosy cheeked, and think that the only things that really matter in the world are right there in front of you. They are yours, and they are worth every sacrifice and sleepless night.
And then, it’s the moment, two seconds later, when one of them will accidentally kick the other one on the arm and the other will bite in retaliation and you will wish, for the hundredth time that day, that you could just rewind time and savor that peace and joy for more than an instant.
Rinse and repeat a million times. That’s what motherhood is to me.
What is it to you?


...so like I said... check out the website... I think I may have to buy this book just to make sure I have a really big belly laugh at the end of each day.

Much Love, Shanon