Deep Seeded (and Fugly)

Okay...it has been almost 20 days since I last blogged because I haven't really had a whole lot of extra time but sometimes I find it tough to really sit down to write about a certain subject.
Today, however, I am almost bursting at the seems....here I go...

I am competitive. As far back as Grade 6 I can remember being competitive but junior high really kicked it off with an obvious increase in peers. I played basketball, soccer, volleyball, track and field. I thoroughly enjoyed every sport I played. I gave 110% in each one of them. It was so much fun. The adrenaline rushes were awesome. The encouragement and support motivated me. I was proud of myself. My self esteem grew. I was in great physical health. I was young. I could do it.

Now I am a parent to a growing boy who is also playing sports. Succeeding. Achieving. Competing. Giving 110%
We just finished up the 2011/2012 Pond Hockey season with the Diamond Valley Phantoms in Canmore last weekend. Colton's hockey skills improved leaps and bounds this year. He got quicker, sharper and more aggressive. He became proud of himself. He gave every game his all. I am sooooo very proud of him.

...and so the saying goes...

 "When one door closes another door opens"

...enter Baseball...

Last year Colton tried out for the Okotoks Outlaws (Mosquito) Travel team. Unfortunately he didn't make the cut to play full time but he was asked to be an 'affiliate' player. So this year when I asked him if he was wanting to try out again his response was No. He expressed to me that if he made the team he wouldn't be able to spend time with his Dad on the weekends. I have to admit "I" was crushed. I told him that just because he would have some weekends that he may be playing Baseball didn't mean that he wouldn't be spending time with his Dad. That in fact, he would be supported by his Dad and myself and that it would just be a different way of spending time together. It wouldn't take time away. He still said No. I felt sad. I felt upset. I was feeling disappointment that Colton thought it would take away from his time with his Dad. I wanted to push. I wanted to call Chris and tell him to tell Colton it would be okay. But what would that do? It would be pushing Colton somewhere "I" wanted him to be. That in itself would be selfish. I thought I had accepted his decision.

Little did I know...

Today Colton had Pee Wee evaluations in Okotoks for the upcoming 2012 Recreational Baseball season. On the way to Okotoks while Colton and I had a quiet minute in the front seat I asked him again if he was sure that he didn't want to go to Rep try outs. His answer..."I'm sure Mom. Maybe I'll try next year." Again, crushed! When we got to the evaluations it was nice to see some familiar faces. It was great to see Colton with his peers chucking a ball around. He just seemed so relaxed and in his element, especially for someone who said they had butterflies as we were arriving. I would have never known. Bring on the proud mama feeling! An hour passed so quickly. Once we were back in the car I asked him how he felt. He said it felt good to play. That he thought he did really well and was proud of his own pitching. Made me smile. So the selfish part of me spoke up again... "Are you sure you don't want to try out for the Outlaws bud?"... again, "nah, I'm okay Mom".

OKAY SHANON...THIS IS YOUR QUE TO LET IT GO (shut the f*ck up) AND LET HIS DECISION BE HIS DECISION!!!

I did not expect it to have the impact it did.

Enter the DEEP competitive SEED. My anxiety reared its FUGLY face ... the knots in my belly came quicker then I could swallow. My thoughts spinning fast. The 'what if's' and 'why not's'...some small hints of blame at Chris (even though the decision is not his choosing)... the damn stomach butterflies.... goooo away. I felt sick. I probably would have thrown up in the car had I not been driving. Who says you need to be talking on a cell phone to be distracted. PULL IT TOGETHER SHANON. ITS JUST BASEBALL... AND COLTON IS COMPLETELY OKAY WITH HIS DECISION.

That is what matters!!!

Slowly my anxiety is dissipating because to be honest...its still hanging on. In my own competitive mind I wish he would try out (as if you can't tell). But Colton is entitled to his own decisions and I am entitled to choose how I will feel about it. God I must sound crazy to anyone reading this cause I sound crazy to myself. With all this said though, I will support his decision. I will not ask anymore. I will not push because no good will come from pushing. I will attend his rec games and cheer loudly like I do at every sport. I will encourage him. I will acknowledge his efforts. I will be there for him as he needs me. I will be there 110%

After all...look at my wonderful son... how could I not?

Good job today Colton...

I love you!

Does Size Really Matter...?

...a little bit of fun with the snow today...

...he LOOKS pretty big...

But don't let that fool you!

Definitely experienced complications with this guy right from the get go, haha!

"Trouble Maker" is his name...

...because his size is REALLY lame.

It all started as a result of sticky but not sticky enough snow.

Madison and I quickly discovered that packing a snowman's every inch takes a lot more energy than rolling his body 'sections' around to gain substance.

THIS

is

his

A

C

T

U

A

L

size

(insert giggles)

 Madison was okay with it though...and I can't wait to see Baby J's face when she gets up from a nap.

Perfect sized friend for her.

Even the dogs were alright with him (maybe not as impressed that they had to partake in a photo shoot)

Let's hope the next snowfall will bring some more 'snowman' appropriate snow?

Can you see him in the center of the screen...HAHAHA

Much Love, Shanon

HELP

November 2011
I saw a link on a friends Facebook post to a blog that was dedicated to the journey of a sweet girl. That sweet girl was Anaya Cassin Potts. She had Krabbe Leukodystrophy. I was for some unknown reason to myself incredibly drawn to her story. To her life. To her journey. It didn't take reading many of her mother, Camara's, blog entries (http://healinganaya.blogspot.com/) until my heart hurt but I continued to follow it.
On November 13th, 2011 Anaya received her Angel Wings.

I was completely heart broken. For 3 days I sobbed. At times, uncontrollably. Jamie couldn't understand why I couldn't avert my attention elsewhere. I couldn't understand. So instead I accepted that I must, for some reason unknown to me, have needed this awareness. Maybe it would make me (has made me) appreciate my healthy smiling children more. Maybe it was to tell me to have more patience. Maybe it was to create a sense of thanks for all I do have in my life. I'm not saying I wasn't thankful up to that point but maybe I just needed to be more aware of everything around me...my husband, my children, my family and friends. Shortly after Anaya passed I even went to have energy work done. I couldn't shake the heart break. It was incredibly powerful. I thought of her, Camara, Brent and Solara as if I had known them personally. It broke my heart knowing a mother and a father had lost their baby. I couldn't imagine. I didn't want to imagine. It hurt.

Since last November there have been so many positive changes in my life. Many of which I give gratitude to my new awareness. I have continued to follow Anaya's mother Camara on Facebook through her many community pages.

https://www.facebook.com/TheAnayaInitiative
https://www.facebook.com/camaraloves
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Un-Sorriso-per-Ginevra-A-Smile-for-Ginevra/138529646238762

She is amazing. She is strong and she is a fighter. She has one of the biggest hearts I have ever been witness to. She is constantly serving others in need and for that I applaud her. I'm sure it takes a lot of emotional strength to go on after the loss of your own child, but to help others who's children are affected by the same devastating demyelinating condition takes a lot of emotional courage and once again, a very
BIG HEART.
Camara has spent the last few days visiting baby Gabriel in Monterrey, Mexico. Gabriel is also affected by Krabbe. It is terminal and he is getting sicker. She went to Mexico to extend her help to his family as they are struggling financially. With her first hand knowledge of the disease she has been able to reach out to her Facebook community for some of the material things Gabriel is in desperate need of which include but aren't limited to a nebulizer, tubing, receiving blankets, portable suction machine, a feeding pump and bags and more. Gabriel and his family are still in need of help financially so his parents can afford doctors appointments, medicine, future hospitalizations for sickness and supplies. They must also buy or find oxygen equipment and a special stroller as well.

Its hard to imagine what it would be like to be in Mayte and Armando's shoes. We have almost everything we need here in Alberta. In Canada. Our doctors visits are paid for. Some of us have medical insurance plans that cover prescription costs. If Mayte and Armando lived here in Alberta and as a couple they made less than $29,000 a year Alberta Works would provide them with a Child Health Benefit Plan. It hurts my heart that they don't have access to these kinds of options.

Today I felt the need to share this story.
To share Gabriels story.

If you can help IN ANY WAY please please do. A donation as little as $5.00 adds up and is so much help to them.  https://apps.facebook.com/fundrazr/activity/bb54b4c3cd03409297ba95198bfe0d84

If you aren't able to help financially please share this.
https://www.facebook.com/littlegabriel

For your ears and hearts I am thankful.

Much Love, Shanon

Just Another Saturday

This morning started as it usually does...
Enter Madison...followed by Jamie's alarm clock...followed by music leaking through the baby monitor produced from that wonderful little caterpillar on the side of Jordyn's crib. The music tells me Jordyn's up and playful waiting sometimes patiently for someone to bring a sweet smile in to her. Colton is at his dad's this weekend or I'm sure he would have also experienced Enter Madison, haha! She's really good at it.

This morning my hamstrings, tight as ever, were screaming at me as soon as my foot motioned to take a step. The lovely Marjan tested their ability the other day at the gym...and although they seemed to pass the test today they are upset. Correction, they are very mad! At me...not her.

Feeling slightly motivated I decided to call and ask my mother-in-law if she'd like some little people as company this morning so I could join in the TRX class at the gym. Motivation does wonderful things to a person even when the body is being a bit of a rebel. To my delight she agreed. So after feeding Madison "the best pancakes I ever made" and Baby J some cheerios with milk (so not a lover of pancakes...?) we packed up and headed over to Gramma's.

When I got home with the girls around 11:00 Jordyn was ready for a nap. Madison had decided she'd rather watch Puss in Boots than bake with her mama (insert sad face). As I was gathering my ingredients for a banana loaf I realized I was out of margarine...Crap! My afternoon plans of baking are now taking me and the kiddo's on an adventurous walk into town. After all...sticking to the plan is boring.

Guess it's just another Saturday...