Today, however, I am almost bursting at the seems....here I go...
I am competitive. As far back as Grade 6 I can remember being competitive but junior high really kicked it off with an obvious increase in peers. I played basketball, soccer, volleyball, track and field. I thoroughly enjoyed every sport I played. I gave 110% in each one of them. It was so much fun. The adrenaline rushes were awesome. The encouragement and support motivated me. I was proud of myself. My self esteem grew. I was in great physical health. I was young. I could do it.
Now I am a parent to a growing boy who is also playing sports. Succeeding. Achieving. Competing. Giving 110% We just finished up the 2011/2012 Pond Hockey season with the Diamond Valley Phantoms in Canmore last weekend. Colton's hockey skills improved leaps and bounds this year. He got quicker, sharper and more aggressive. He became proud of himself. He gave every game his all. I am sooooo very proud of him.
...and so the saying goes...
"When one door closes another door opens"
...enter Baseball...
Last year Colton tried out for the Okotoks Outlaws (Mosquito) Travel team. Unfortunately he didn't make the cut to play full time but he was asked to be an 'affiliate' player. So this year when I asked him if he was wanting to try out again his response was No. He expressed to me that if he made the team he wouldn't be able to spend time with his Dad on the weekends. I have to admit "I" was crushed. I told him that just because he would have some weekends that he may be playing Baseball didn't mean that he wouldn't be spending time with his Dad. That in fact, he would be supported by his Dad and myself and that it would just be a different way of spending time together. It wouldn't take time away. He still said No. I felt sad. I felt upset. I was feeling disappointment that Colton thought it would take away from his time with his Dad. I wanted to push. I wanted to call Chris and tell him to tell Colton it would be okay. But what would that do? It would be pushing Colton somewhere "I" wanted him to be. That in itself would be selfish. I thought I had accepted his decision.
Little did I know...
Today Colton had Pee Wee evaluations in Okotoks for the upcoming 2012 Recreational Baseball season. On the way to Okotoks while Colton and I had a quiet minute in the front seat I asked him again if he was sure that he didn't want to go to Rep try outs. His answer..."I'm sure Mom. Maybe I'll try next year." Again, crushed! When we got to the evaluations it was nice to see some familiar faces. It was great to see Colton with his peers chucking a ball around. He just seemed so relaxed and in his element, especially for someone who said they had butterflies as we were arriving. I would have never known. Bring on the proud mama feeling! An hour passed so quickly. Once we were back in the car I asked him how he felt. He said it felt good to play. That he thought he did really well and was proud of his own pitching. Made me smile. So the selfish part of me spoke up again... "Are you sure you don't want to try out for the Outlaws bud?"... again, "nah, I'm okay Mom".
OKAY SHANON...THIS IS YOUR QUE TO LET IT GO (shut the f*ck up) AND LET HIS DECISION BE HIS DECISION!!!
I did not expect it to have the impact it did.
Enter the DEEP competitive SEED. My anxiety reared its FUGLY face ... the knots in my belly came quicker then I could swallow. My thoughts spinning fast. The 'what if's' and 'why not's'...some small hints of blame at Chris (even though the decision is not his choosing)... the damn stomach butterflies.... goooo away. I felt sick. I probably would have thrown up in the car had I not been driving. Who says you need to be talking on a cell phone to be distracted. PULL IT TOGETHER SHANON. ITS JUST BASEBALL... AND COLTON IS COMPLETELY OKAY WITH HIS DECISION.
That is what matters!!!
Slowly my anxiety is dissipating because to be honest...its still hanging on. In my own competitive mind I wish he would try out (as if you can't tell). But Colton is entitled to his own decisions and I am entitled to choose how I will feel about it. God I must sound crazy to anyone reading this cause I sound crazy to myself. With all this said though, I will support his decision. I will not ask anymore. I will not push because no good will come from pushing. I will attend his rec games and cheer loudly like I do at every sport. I will encourage him. I will acknowledge his efforts. I will be there for him as he needs me. I will be there 110%
After all...look at my wonderful son... how could I not?Good job today Colton...
I love you!
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